Sabotage

me: sure sure, i don't mind dropping this ring off to be appraised.

her: thank you! here's the address. it's the Gemological Institute.

me: should be easy. i'll just drop it off and pick it back up for you when its done.

her: you're the best!

me: sigh, i know...

cut to me driving up to the GIA gate in my little white Yaris blasting The Beastie Boys. o look, a security gate! well it only makes sense considering there are probably a lot of diamonds in this facility. the guard comes over and asks the reason for my presence and i tell him i would like to have a ring appraised. he takes my I.D. (that's one) and has me pull over to wait as he goes back into his booth to make sure i'm not a criminal or simply to make fun of my DMV picture. as if anyone looks good in those...anyway he brings me my parking pass and directs me to visitor parking, instructs me to go into the main lobby to the receptionist and let them know i need to visit "the lab". now i'm getting a little nervous. before i pull away he informs me one of my rear lights isn't working. meticulous aren't they? i pull into a designated visitor spot and walk up the pristine path to the lobby. there are so many shiny things i feel like a distracted two year old as i walk to reception. again i tell them i'm here to have a ring appraised. the security guard asks for my ID (that's two) and after checking it, has me look into a camera for my picture to be taken. out comes a stick-on badge with my picture, name, the date and time on it. i apply it to my members only jacket and wait for my security escort to "the lab". after about five minutes nobody has come so the desk security guy offers to walk me there. i try small talk "this place is gorgeous!" he says nothing. okay. another security officer meets us in the hallway and i get the handoff. the new security guard asks if i need to use the restroom first and i start to sweat a little bit. where exactly is he taking me and do i at least get a phone call? we walk outside and toward another building. my escort tells me they will need to see my ID at the booth before entering the new building. i walk into a small holding area where another security officer sits behind what i assume is bulletproof glass. he asks to see my ID (that's three) and has me sign in as a visitor, open my purse for inspection, and hands me another visitor tag to put on my members only jacket. i feel like my pieces of flair could land me a great job at TGIF at this point. i'm allowed to walk alone to another lobby where i'm told to wait. after waiting for another ten minutes or so a woman finally tells me i can enter door B (there are three doors labeled A, B and C). but i don't want door B! i want to choose door C!!! at this point i know better than to argue so in i go. i find myself in a tiny closet with more bulletproof glass and a small counter. she shows up on the other side to finally hear what it is i'm there for. i smile and tell her i'm here to have my sister's ring appraised and i pull it out of my purse for her to see. she kindly informs me that they don't do appraisals in settings. i would have to bring the diamond in loose for them to register and appraise. she writes down a phone number for my sister to call to find a place to take the ring to be appraised in its setting. i'm allowed to go back the way i came in without a security escort at any point which surprises me.

as i drive away, i just wonder why they don't ask a few more questions at the first or even second security checkpoint. questions such as "are you bringing a loose stone to be appraised because if not you are going to waste a lot of people's time and we really don't want to be bothered with your puny little diamond ring... cant you see what an important place this is?!" instead i just blast a little more Beastie Boys for the gate security guard as i'm sure he could use a little excitement......

Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All of Y'all This Is Sabotage

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
I'ma Set It Straight This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In This Place
Because I Feel Disgrace Because You're All In My Face
But Make No Mistakes And Switch Up My Channel
I'm Buddy Rich When I Fly OffmThe Handle
What Could It Be, It's all a Mirage
You're Scheming On A Thing That's Sabotage

...R...