once apon a time there was a suicidal dog named napoleon. napoleon was a bassett hound with droopy eyes and ears and short little determined legs that made him gallop like a bucking bronco when he ran. he was not an unhappy dog, he had friends, water, food, and an unlimited amount of sunshine and playing time. he grew up in a happy family where he was loved and spent most of his puppyhood being spoiled and sleeping inside where he was not suppose to be. when he got old enough and became to rambunctious to sneak inside he was moved outside to a dog run. now, napoleon thought himself quite the explorer, any chance he got he took of for the closest neighbors field and all the scents and smells that might be there getting himself quite lost in the process. because of this bad habit his humans could not let him run free like all the other dogs. so one day napoleon decided death was the answer. he found the nearest object which happened to be a basketball hoop and wrapped himself around it until he couldn't breathe. at this point he began to realize death was not as painless as he imagined. perhaps death wasn't all it was cut out to be.
its quite possible the grey cat named rusty is the one who planted this idea in napoleons head. rusty is a devious cunning cat with claws that no reasonable animal would mess with more than once every few hours (animals having no real long term memory when it comes to these things). rusty had a habit too, that habit was pretending to be friends with other animals and then leading them to their deaths getting him more sympathy and attention from his clueless humans. its a nasty habit, but very successful. napoleon was to be his first canine victim but he was such a trusting easily fooled creature rusty was sure he would be dead quite soon.
napoleon sat there, the air coming so slowly, his vision blurring, until his human (noticing the uncommon quiet, the lack of howling and barking) saw what was going on and freed him from certain strangulation. at this point napoleon found that death was not the answer. in fact, strangulation was the answer. it was the answer to getting attention whenever he wanted it (since the howling and whining obviously wasn't working). so when the pole was moved for his safety he found a yard tool, and after that a piece of board nearby, until there was nothing within his reach but his water pail and his own cord. napoleon howled and howled, he was stumped. he knew there must be a way, and he knew just who to ask.
rusty sauntered slowly by, tail brushing just under napoleons nose just daring him to sniff and get slashed, and he might have if he hadn't been so deep in thought. "rusty" he said, "i want more attention but they've moved everything away from me, what can i do?" rusty sat down and began licking his left paw, "napoleon, i hardly care what you do with your spare time, but since i am about to take a nap in the sun while i wait for my dinner and i don't want to listen to your horrible noise, i will help you" rusty looked around a moment and said "there are things that can't be moved here my smelly little friend, perhaps you should be a little more creative". napoleon looked around and saw just what rusty was referring too. with a little guidance from his "friend" rusty, he soon found many things that couldn't be moved at all.
the phone wire attached to the house was the most difficult with so little space for him to squeeze through, but he did it. he slithered under and over it and was stuck just in time for the sprinklers to come on. this wasn't the plan, he cried and howled like he was being attacked by something lethal, and was soon rescued. he did this many times until the way was barricaded. he was stumped for awhile, only able to tangle his own cord in frustration, but again rusty gave him some well placed hints and he saw the pole that was attached to the house. very unmoveable, very dangerous since it was next to some stairs and they made a drop off, one misstep and he would hang himself. napoleon was not named napoleon because he gave up easily. napoleon knew a devious cat that had his own interests at heart to give him some ideas on how to make it around. he found a way around the pole again and again and soon he was trapped. he cried out in triumph. move this he thought. he hadn't hung himself (much to rustys dismay who had thought he certainly had him this time) he had won, and from that day forward anytime he was lonely he had only to attempt suicide and out his favorite friend of all would come, very angry, but there all the same with his thumbs to save him.
the end
